Sometimes I feel humbled and grateful. To whom?
As much as I despise false humility, it still doesn't seem fitting to go around thanking myself all the time. No good that befalls me is solely due to my own efforts. Everything I know, I learned somehow from someone.
So now when I meditate - or whatever it is I'm actually doing in those silent moments that replace prayer - I remember all those who contributed to where I am today. Well, I remember those I knew/know, and imagine those I never met. And I dedicate my efforts of the day to their memory, so that whatever they lived for would not ultimately be fruitless. At least this one, solitary apple blossom gonna bear some fruit, dammit!
I guess, for now, that'll do in terms of filling the ginormous hole that was left when I stopped suspending disbelief a few months ago. I'm starting to feel a little better.
The Prayer of Non-Believing Noob
In memory of my ancestors,
And to honor all those who have taught, cared for, and given to me
I live this day to the fullest
And all that I have been given
I will pay it forward.